Water Balloons and Cancer Cells

Shall I talk about water balloons or cancer first....hmmm...well, let's talk about cancer because I don't really know too much more than when we last spoke. I did talk to Dr. Kennedy on Tuesday, September 8th, the day after Labor Day. She is going to run one more test on the tissue and then we will set up an appointment in a week or two. She said that this cancer is another "primary" which means that it did not spread from my other cancer or anywhere else. She also said that this cancer did not develop after chemo stopped - it has been there throughout treatment - the chemo may have decreased its size or it just may not have responded to it. There are so many things to consider and I have a lot of questions but I feel confident that they will be answered. The problem is that I am not feeling very patient at the moment. Dr. Kennedy is going to go through my whole chart, scans, bloodwork, etc. from the beginning. She says she needs a little time to "chew on this" and, God-willing, I'm not going anywhere - so chew.

I will also see Dr. Simmons at some point and I am going to ask her to look at my MRI again. I have no doubt in my mind that she has already done this but I just want to see for myself. You remember way back when, when the radiologists everywhere read all my scans as negative? Well, Dr. Simmons was able to look at my MRI herself and she read it as positive. She saw the cancer in the right breast even though we were all surprised at just how much cancer there was. (8.5 cm). I know she looked at the left breast too, but maybe now that we know exactly where the cancer was (in what quadrant) in the left breast, we can see if there was any evidence at all of its existence when that scan was taken. Not that it makes any difference to anyone but me. Having seen it then wouldn't have changed anything in terms of the way my treatment has progressed.

Now on to water balloons. (saline balloons?) I've had weekly appointments with Dr. Gottlieb since the surgery (with the exception of this week). On Tuesday, September 1st we began the expansion process...Dr. Gottlieb moves magnets over the expanders and then marks "the spot" by making a little "x" on my skin with his sharpie. Needles are put into the expanders and they are filled with saline until you can't take it anymore....(just kidding, the actual phrase is "Let me know when you've had enough" ) He said that he would only fill them up to a certain amount anyway so that I wouldn't call and yell at him the next day. The side with the dorsi flap from my back (aah, I bet you already forgot about that didn't you? Well I can assure you that I haven't) took more saline than the other side did. This is normal and I am told that I will be amazed at how all this is going to look at some point in the future. Uh huh.... right now besides healing tissue and healing scars I also see the turquois tatoos (I really meant tatoos) from radiation, and now I have 2 little x marks the spots. Very attractive. Like a treasure map... but Dr. Gottlieb has shown me photos of his work (some have scared me but most have inspired me) and I trust him when he says, "Trust me". Call me crazy. All I know is that I'm alive to tell about it and that is all that matters to me. Really. I am not kidding. So I'll go back for some more of this fun in two weeks... There was a woman in his office that had a great T-Shirt on that said, Of Course They're Fake, the Real Ones Tried to Kill Me. I may have to get one of those T-Shirts. That, and My Hairstyle is Compliments of my Oncologist. It really looks crazy now. If I had some fig leaves I could be Nero...

It's cool today, very fall-like, and I am reminded that soon the Dairy Queens will be closing for the season again (except for the ones that Tracy told me about). Time flies whether you're having fun or not. But, all joking aside, I can't believe that I have spent over a year of my life doing this. Luckily it has not only been this, it has been so much more. It has been full. I have been filled - with hope and faith and promise and love. And also with sadness and anger and loss and grief. As I said, full. When I look back I don't think that I would ever have the energy or strength to do that again, but if I knew what this next year holds I would probably say the same about that. And I will get through this next year. Whatever it holds. I know that. I've learned that. Day by day....sometimes hour by hour. The strength comes. The "healing" comes - sometimes physical, sometimes emotional, sometimes spiritual. I like it best when it is all three at once - which is extraordinarily rare. There are moments when you really do feel surrounded by the "white healing light which is the love of God". And I am grateful for the people who continue to walk with me and hold me up when I am too tired to do it myself. I thank you all.

So now I have to nap. I can whine and try to stay awake but that is not pleasant. I find that when I am really tired and ready to go to sleep for the night I am very funny. I have this stream of consciousness, running monologue thing going. I need to get one of those DVRs (Digital Voice Recorders) It'll be good for the book...or it will give the editor a good laugh before he/she slashes away at my words. Anyway, more later...feel free to share your own stuff...