Of Course They're Fake, The Real Ones Tried to Kill Me...

Hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving! I remember last year at this time...losing my hair, contemplating nesting for the winter with chemo and radiation ahead. This year is different in many ways but the gratitude is the same. I think that I am more conscious of just how sick I was with the chemo "day fives" and the pneumonitis from the Cytoxin, the size of the cancer in the one breast and then, surprise, another cancer (undetected) in the other. Last year I was aware of all this but I got through each day the best I could. It is only now when I have more energy and am out and about more that I am beginning to fully realize the impact that the cancer and the treatments have had on my life. I have new perspectives. I carry my experiences with me and in some ways they influence everything I do. I am not the same person I was before this diagnosis. (Although I may be even funnier than before...I'm just saying...)

I am hoping to return to work in the new year, but return where? I may be able to put some time in with the Sharing Network when I have enough stamina, I will continue to work with a few patients from the practice that I have been having phone sessions with, only now I will try to see them in person for at least one out of the two monthly sessions. But I am not sure where I am being led or what kind of work is out there waiting for me. That is frightening in this economy but it is also a little exciting. Maybe I will be able to work as a chaplain in an oncology practice close to home, maybe in a new hospital that is presently being built, maybe there will be an opportunity I haven't even imagined yet.

I have shared with some of you that I am reminded of that exercise that we "had to do" in so many of the psych classes I have taken...the one about trust. The one where everyone gets into a circle and the person in the middle has to close their eyes and let themselves fall backwards, trusting that the group will catch them and not let them fall. Not once was I ever able to do that. But I do think it is an important lesson to be able to give up some control - we really have the illusion that we have control over our lives. Life happens. I think that what we have control over is how we choose to respond to life experiences and how we choose to interact with one another. So giving up some control and trusting that I will not fall are
two of the life lessons that have come out of all this. What I couldn't do in a classroom I have learned to do with God. I trust that God will hold me up no matter what comes my way. I have chosen to respond with humor and reflection and prayer. This is not a linear process. It is very hard.

So we are now into Advent...once again life is about waiting, or maybe really about anticipation which is much more joyful. Yesterday was December 1st. Last year I was hospitalized for the pneumonitis on that date, 30 years ago on December 3rd my mother had her second mastectomy, but this year that date will be remembered as the date I had yet another surgery in this cancer saga.

To give you the short version, this surgery was to remove the "bricks" they call "expanders" and to replace them with silicone implants. There was also some other reconstructive work like fixing the ends of the scars on my back, etc. We left the house at 7a.m., arrived at Frankford (Aria) at 7:30 and I was in the OR by 8:30 and home by 3p.m. with 2 drains, a pain pump with a dilaudid chaser, and a new bra to be worn around the clock for the next 2 weeks. I met a man in the recovery room who sang every Christmas Carol he could think of while profusely apologizing to anyone who wasn't Christian, saw more exposed bodies than I cared to see, and "made suggestions " to the staff as to how they might improve their sensitivity to patients' needs...

Dr. Simmons stopped by to say hello and it was a good thing she was there. After Dr. Gottlieb had left, I got up to sit in a chair (mandatory if you want to go home) and my nurse noticed that my gown had "quite a bit of blood on it." She called Dr. Gottlieb and I would have had to wait some time for him to come back before I could be discharged but Dr. Simmons said that she would take a look to see where the blood was coming from. She determined that there had been some blood that had pooled and come out around one of my drains and that it was no big deal. She repacked everything and I was on my way. I'm having some pain - especially when I move my arms, but for the most part the pain pump and the dilaudid are taking care of that and I am trying to stay ahead of the pain. Today I have an appointment with Dr. Gottlieb at 3pm and if I feel up to it I may go to the midweek advent service/pasta dinner at the church. I also have another appointment on December 15th with Dr. Kennedy - but I will keep you up to day and take them one at a time.

If this post seems a little disjointed just remember that I am on the "good meds". I hope you all take some time for yourselves during this busy holiday season. Stop and reflect. Anticipate all the good things that are yet to come. Many blessings to all of you.