When Did It Become 2010?

Well hello, I've been gone a long time. I don't know if any of you out there are still checking the blog but I will mention that I am back on Facebook and maybe some of you will pass it along.

I just re-read my last post and I wrote it right after my last surgery. There is probably some significance to me taking a break at that point. It was more than just getting ready for the holidays. I can see it more clearly looking back. That last surgery represented the "end" of active treatment for my cancer. That is a scary thing...I didn't realize what an impact that would have. Oh sure, I still had lots more doctors' appointments on the horizon before I would be able to settle into a routine, but there would be nothing new (except contemplating whether or not I wanted Gottlieb to create "accoutrements" for my new boobs now, later, or never....) I had similar feelings when I finished chemo. I was more comfortable doing something to fight the cancer, than trusting that everything that could be done at this point, had been done. It is not that I am waiting for the cancer to come back, it is just that it is uncomfortable for me to feel so helpless to do anything that might make a difference.

I am writing this in May, so of course there have been some things I can do like making lifestyle changes - becoming more active again, going to the gym. When I got the clearance to go back to the gym, I was told to spend only 5 minutes doing an exercise or on a machine (!) I quickly learned that that was all I could really manage. But I have been progressing slowly but surely.

One of the things that annoyed me most at first was that I had not been adequately prepared for the extent of the reconstructive surgery I had and the time needed for recovery. The surgery and the expansion process, especially on the side with the flap, was more painful than I had anticipated. Even after the "bricks" were removed and replaced with silicone implants, there was more pain than I had experienced with my mastectomies alone. And, my new, faux boobs did not feel like they were part of me. At that point I was seriously questioning if I had made the right decision for me. I mean, being able to put on a T-Shirt without a bra or wearing a bathing suit without a prosthesis did not seem like adequate reasons...and then I started to heal...deep breath....and my body started to feel like my body again (with some minor differences...) Thank God. It was a good decision. For me.

I did go to see Dr. Kennedy on the 15th of December and again in April. I will be seeing her every four months for at least the next 10 years. I took Tamoxifen for a couple months until everyone was sure that I had been catapulted into menopause, then I switched to Femara. (I may have mentioned this before but I have to tell you, the memory is definitely not what it used to be. Anyone who has known me a reasonable amount of time knows that I could recall and quote from conversations that took place years ago, I could remember names and birthdays of all my childhood friends...sadly, that is no longer one of my gifts...) Dr. Kennedy wants me to follow-up because of fluctuations in my blood pressure (one day 120/70, one day 150/100). I am hoping that I can regulate it with diet and exercise.

My hair is growing back in a way that is most disturbing. For the longest time my bangs didn't grow at all. I am unable to maintain any style at this point, and there is almost no use brushing my hair unless I have just stepped out of the shower since it seems to have developed a mind of its own. We have been doing the "trim around the ears and clean up the neck" at home hair care but one day I was out and saw someone in the street, dressed up in some animal costume, holding a sign up advertising a "Grand Opening" of a new Great Clips. They were offering haircuts for $2.99. Can't beat that. So I got my hair cut. Even though I brought pictures of what my hair used to look like, it still looks like I'm insane....sigh...but it is a little better. I have a coupon for $4.99 for May, $6.99 for June, and a $4.99 that never expires....so I'm set for a bit...

I have also taken other small steps. I went to a CPSP meeting (College of Pastoral Supervision and Psychotherapy) and really enjoyed reconnecting with colleagues and friends. I told my story about the "chaplain as patient" and red a few excerpts from the blog. I was able to speak in the JFK Place of Prayer during the noontime service and then met with the chaplain students to share stories. It was strange to be in the Place of Prayer - the last time I had been there was for my graduation 4 days before my diagnosis. I've worked at JFK for 27 years and yet I felt somewhat like a stranger there at first. I felt the same when I went into the office to see my patients. I had been doing phone sessions but now I am trying to alternate between phone sessions and in person sessions.

Now I am in search of a chaplain job. I have no idea when the next step will come and I am trying to stay positive and open to all possibilities. Fatigue is still with me, I am unable to tolerate the heat (or the cold for that matter), my moods are all over the place, I have joint pain every day and it is difficult to move around after 9pm....and, you can set your clock by my 11pm hot flash - bright red sweaty face.....I'm not complaining - I am just acknowledging that things are different. One of the reasons I am going to continue to blog is that what I have heard from other women is that this part of the process is when everyone thinks it is "time to move on because the cancer is gone and the treatment is over". While this is true, I am finding that physically and emotionally this is a difficult time especially because people want you to be better, to put this behind you and stop talking about it already...I had fallen into that trap myself by telling myself that I should be feeling better already! I have had to learn to be patient with myself and my body. That's an ongoing process and it is hard. My emotions, well, let's just say, they're another thing. Stay tuned - it has been very helpful for me to tell my story and to have you listen and share your thoughts with me. I've missed our chats.