I usually wake up these days around 4am. It just happens. I may go right back to sleep, I may listen to a guided imagery CD, or I may get on the computer for awhile before easing back into sleep. Today is New Year's Eve. The year 2009 is less than 24 hours away. There is much on my mind.
First, the gratitude...always the gratitude. I am humbled by the love I am surrounded with - it strengthens, comforts, and sustains me in ways that I am continually learning about. It challenges me to be better, to make choices, to share more fully...I constantly fall down on the job - but this love I feel reminds me that love itself is the only reason we are here anyway. I thank all of you for being a part of my life this year.
Christmas did not look the same this year but it was wonderful. The house was full of family and love and laughter. (especially when someone bought and wrapped the same gift twice for the same person and didn't realize it...) We had amazing food that I was able to eat and enjoy. I was tired but not sick and watching everyone open gifts and enjoying each others company was pure joy.
Even though my numbers were down on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day I was well enough to go to the Christmas Eve Service with a mask. It was hot in the sanctuary so I made the decision to go "hatless". I didn't realize what an impact it would have on me - it was more of a comfort thing in the moment. The hair loss doesn't bother me except as it influences perceptions and the way others may treat me (see earlier blog posts for more on this...) I'm not interested in a wig, and I wear hats occasionally for one of two reasons - 1) It is winter and my head gets cold and, 2) Other people are sometimes uncomfortable seeing my bald head. Well, so long number 2. (Stephani, it's only taken me the better part of 20 years...) In church on Christmas Eve, with no hat, no hair, I was able to be comfortable being just me exactly as I am without any pretense of hiding. Very freeing. It is not every day that you can feel comfortable looking like Uncle Fester...
But it hasn't been all joy and light on Rita Road. 2008 has probably been the most difficult year on record for too many reasons to list here. If I look at items on a stress scale there are very few that one of us has not experienced personally this year. So there has been some sadness and grieving mixed in with the holidays. There has been some real disappointment in the abandonment by people we had once thought of as friends. We continue to pray for them and hope they can find peace. The trials of this year have made us all stronger and it's the strength I want to take into next year...I'd like to leave the pain behind...
On Tuesday, December 30th I saw Dr. Kennedy. I tolerated the changes in chemo well and she was happy! (We really like it when she is happy). She is reducing the prednisone again so now I will be taking 20mg a day with pepcid, and the bactrim 3 times a week. Lungs still good. I am scheduled for my next chemo (#4!) on Thursday, January 8th at 8am...
Okay, so while I've been all over the place with this post it seems that I want to tie up loose ends. In re-reading what I just wrote I am tempted to delete it all and just say "Happy New Year!" but I won't. The theme that comes through to me is one of healing. Physical, emotional, and spiritual healing...for all of us. This is my wish as we move into 2009, along with hope, and moments of great joy. May we continue to face whatever comes our way with humor, laughter, tears, and love. Thank you all for your love and support. It means more than I will ever be able to say...
5 comments:
The photos are great! Thanks for sharing, and Happy New Year!
The photos are a great addition! Wishing you all a New Year filled with peace, love, and many blessings!
Hey Sue!
Good to see your pictures and read your update!
I see that you are having visitors and would like to be one of them.
What day is good for you? Kelly is back to school this week and I'm only busy Thursday.
Let me know! xoxoxo
Way to go Uncle Fester! I am so proud of you! Melissa Etheridge got nothin' on you.
Can you do the lightbulb trick?
And speaking of 2009, I am visualizing a good year, in fact a great year. I see starting out with what brings each of us joy, and letting it ripple out to open up the joy in others.
I think there are a lot of people out in the world working and living some very positive things. We don't often hear about them on TV news, but they are there.
One example is Christine Stevens. She's a music therapist and MSW and someone I consider a mentor. She taught me to facilitate drum circles. She was invited to Iraq by the Kurdistan Save the Children Foundation to teach community groups to lead their own drum circles for healing and conflict resolution. It was risky, scary, dangerous etc., and had to be translated into Kurdish and Arabic as she taught. Some of the sessions were held in a facility that was a torture center for Saddam Hussain. But the locals want to heal. They just need a vehicle. To make a long story short, Christine got phenomenal results. There are currently group drum programs up and running in 4 cities.
I am hosting a group drumming event on Jan. 12 to support her Iraq Drum Project. The money pays the local facilitators to keep the groups running.
If you're interested, give me a shout: mtyler4psrc@yahoo.com
But I'm really just sharing this to keep spreading good news, healing news. The more we focus on what we want, the more we get it. Happy New Year everybody!
Hey! I just found the courage to read some more of your blogs. Your spirit inspires me. You look very healthy in the pictures. I was afraid you'd be frail. I love you so much. I'm glad to see you had a good holiday. Mine was nice too. I picked up a few extra shifts at work, took a quick trip to Miami, and got to spend some time with Briana. The reason we went to Miami is because Giovanni was booked for a photo shoot for an ad for a Canadian skin care product. It will be featured in some Canadian magazines. I'll send you a copy when I receive one. I think and "hope" for you all the time. I have a hard time praying because I prayed really hard on 9/11 and days to follow, and was let down. Your relationship with God encourages me to get over it! I love you so much. I'll call you soon. I really want to hear your voice. Love, Larissa
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